My Quest to be a Record Holder

What kind of legacy will you leave your kids?

It’s a question that keeps many parents, myself included, up at night. You want to accomplish enough in your life so that your children will have stories to tell to their children, even if, over time a la “broken telephone”, the tales become exaggerated hyperbole.

My life story has yet to be written, hell, I’d like to think I’m just a few chapters into it, but certain things are all too evident. I will not be a celebrity known by one name, nor will I likely be considered the artist formerly known as anything. Alas, I am most unlikely to find the cure to a currently incurable disease, and it’s highly doubtful that I will be responsible for one of the next seven wonders of the world.

Therefore I have to look elsewhere for fulfillment. How do common folk gain their Warholian 15 minutes of fame? America’s Funniest Home Videos? Maury Povich? Wear a meat dress and go “GaGa?” Not for me. But then, suddenly, the answer was clear: The Guinness Book of World Records.

I went on the Guinness site to see what records I could possibly attain. I know I’m not the fastest, and I can barely jump over a phone book. While I am painfully short, I still cannot hold claim to that title (thank you Mr. Ping Ping). But there must be something I can do, someone I can beat.

There are currently 4,059 records recognized by Guinness World Records. Some are legitimate, like the tallest or fastest person, but most are so obscure and ridiculous that I know I can find something I can beat (which will not be the “Longest distance keeping a table lifted with teeth”).

So this is my promise to our readers. I will continue to look through the records, find something I can beat, and within a few months I will be a Guinness World Record holder. You’ll be able to say, “Hey, I knew that guy, when…”

The quest begins now and, in the words of one of the world’s newest seven wonders, ‘Defeat is not an option!” Thank you, Charlie.