Madonna Plans to Make Aliyah

Is Maddona ready to make Aliyah? And what's up with those thighs?

In the aftermath of her first show in Ramat Gan stadium that thrilled over 30,000 fans this week, 53-year-old pop sensation Madonna has told Shalom Life that at her age, it’s time to slow down, and she plans to cancel her current MDNA tour and remain in Tel Aviv where she says watching her children Rocco, David, and Mercy play on the beach is “like a prayer.”

Despite pleas from her father Silvio Anthony Ciccone to return to the United States, Madonna is taking a “Papa, don’t preach” stand, and told Shalom Life that, “It’s always been my dream to one day put down roots in Israel. I can’t tell you how much nachas I get just being in this electric place. And, I won’t miss the schlep of traffic in the States anymore.”

Madonna reportedly has a number of “high-end” real estate brokers on the prowl, trying to find the perfect secluded property worthy of a star of her magnitude. She has also been spotted at a number of Jewish schools where she plans on sending her children once they’ve made the move to the Middle East.

Discussing the reason for her decision to make Israel her new home, Madonna points at a young 20-something IDF solider in uniform and says, "That's reason no.1. This country is filled with young, gorgeous boys in uniform. Israel for me is like a buffet for a fat kid."

Perhaps another reason is Madonna’s devotion to Kabbalah while she was pregnant in the mid-'90s, and has studied it ever since.

Kabbalistic tradition has long held that Kabbalah is so complicated and so easily misunderstood that students may only begin to approach it with a strong background in Jewish law and only after age 40, the age of wisdom according to the Mishnah.

According to an anonymous “Israeli religious figure” who spoke to Shalom Life, his synagogue in Jerusalem is “gearing up for a very special ceremony that will take place shortly. I can’t tell you what it is, so, you’ll have to wait and see.”

Rumours throughout the Old City of Jerusalem continue to suggest that Madonna has been undergoing a comprehensive Jewish education over the past several months, which, with the upcoming ceremony, will culminate with the Material Girl converting to Judaism.

When Shalom Life asked Madonna whether she was comfortable enough to discuss her potential transformation to Judaism, the singer replied, “Am I comfortable? I make a living! What kind of a question was that? Oy, what a shmuck!”

The above is fictional, except for possibly the part about the IDF soldiers. We're pretty sure Madonna said that to someone, somewhere, while in Israel, we just can confirm it yet.

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